Friday, September 29, 2006

Thank You Sharon

I just got this in an email from my friend Sharon. Personally I don't know how people can think of American history any other way.


Benedict Arnold
Despite having dispatched each of their opponents, the tag team ofGeorge Washington and Benedict Arnold is not a harmonious entity.Arnold feels that Washington is gaining too much individual credit forthe tag team's success. Before that night's match, hidden camerascatch Arnold shaking hands with their opponent, King George. WhenWashington gets in trouble during the match, he goes to tag in Arnold,but instead Arnold slaps him in the face. The match degenerates into athree-on-one until Ethan Allen and his Green Mountain Boys race to thering to save Washington.

Mexican-American War
A supremely popular and confident James K. Polk comes to the ring andsays he has achieved everything he wanted except winning a title beltfrom the utterly deplorable Santa Anna. At this incitement, Santa Annawalks out showered by boos. Santa Anna says that Polk can't have thebelt, that it belongs to him and he refuses to relinquish it. Polkasks Santa Anna, "Whatcha gonna do when the United States of Americaruns wild over you!" At that point, Polk's cronies, Zachary Taylor andWinfield Scott, ambush Santa Anna. With Santa Anna sufficientlydebilitated, Polk delivers the final blow and takes what he believesrightfully belongs to him.

World War II
FDR. Churchill. Stalin. Hitler. Mussolini. Tojo. Steel Cage. Availableon pay-per-view for $39.95.

A feud begins between Richard Nixon and two nonconformists, Woodwardand Bernstein, when "the Journalists" embarrass Nixon in front of fansin Tacoma, Washington. Nixon seeks revenge against the two and forcesthem to fight enforcers G. Gordon Liddy and Bob Haldeman. In themiddle of the match, though, Haldeman quits, and Woodward and
himself with one stipulation—the loser must leave the business! Nixonpulls out all the tricks, going as far as to use a plunger as aweapon. "The Journalists" gain an advantage eventually when a maskedman, known only as Deep Throat, enters the ring, and are ultimatelyvictorious. After the match, Nixon dejectedly walks away, pausing fora minute to say goodbye to his friends.

2000 Election
George Bush and Al Gore meet in the squared circle for thechampionship title. It's a back-and-forth match. Gore gains the upperhand and hits his finishing move, the Global Warmer. But, as Gore goesfor the cover, William "the Chief" Rehnquist rushes to the ringcarrying a steel chair. With the referee distracted by Laura Bush,Rehnquist knocks Gore over the head with the chair. Bush goes for thecover and wins the belt. The show ends with an incredulous announcerscreaming, "George W. Bush is champion, but I don't know if hedeserves it!"

2008 Election
The fans have been told to expect a monumental announcement from worldchampion George Bush and anxiously wait. When Bush finally emergesfrom backstage, the crowd begins to loudly boo and deride him withjeers. Ignoring the commotion, Bush begins to reminisce about thesignificance of his title reign and how he brought glory and honor tothe profession. He then announces to the stunned crowd that he will behanding his title over to his sidekick, "the Doc" Bill Frist. Frist,Bush explains, will continue to seek out those whose only wish is todestroy the sport of wrestling. It is at that moment that twowrestlers appear, united, in the ring. John Edwards, supported byHillary Clinton, voices his opposition to Bush\'s plan. Bush laughs atthe duo and mockingly inquires, "What are you going to do about it?"Such a question catches the group off guard, and, while they arediscussing a potential plan, Frist superkicks Edwards. The ring clearsas Edwards struggles to his feet and attempts to get to the middle ofthe ring. As he squares off against Frist, the crowd begins to booagain, this time louder, once it becomes apparent that neitherwrestler possesses the talent to be an effective champion.

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