Saturday, September 30, 2006
Friday, September 29, 2006
IF PROFESSIONALWRESTLING REWROTEAMERICAN HISTORY.
BY EUGENE TUCKER
Despite having dispatched each of their opponents, the tag team ofGeorge Washington and Benedict Arnold is not a harmonious entity.Arnold feels that Washington is gaining too much individual credit forthe tag team's success. Before that night's match, hidden camerascatch Arnold shaking hands with their opponent, King George. WhenWashington gets in trouble during the match, he goes to tag in Arnold,but instead Arnold slaps him in the face. The match degenerates into athree-on-one until Ethan Allen and his Green Mountain Boys race to thering to save Washington.
A supremely popular and confident James K. Polk comes to the ring andsays he has achieved everything he wanted except winning a title beltfrom the utterly deplorable Santa Anna. At this incitement, Santa Annawalks out showered by boos. Santa Anna says that Polk can't have thebelt, that it belongs to him and he refuses to relinquish it. Polkasks Santa Anna, "Whatcha gonna do when the United States of Americaruns wild over you!" At that point, Polk's cronies, Zachary Taylor andWinfield Scott, ambush Santa Anna. With Santa Anna sufficientlydebilitated, Polk delivers the final blow and takes what he believesrightfully belongs to him.
World War II
FDR. Churchill. Stalin. Hitler. Mussolini. Tojo. Steel Cage. Availableon pay-per-view for $39.95.
A feud begins between Richard Nixon and two nonconformists, Woodwardand Bernstein, when "the Journalists" embarrass Nixon in front of fansin Tacoma, Washington. Nixon seeks revenge against the two and forcesthem to fight enforcers G. Gordon Liddy and Bob Haldeman. In themiddle of the match, though, Haldeman quits, and Woodward and
himself with one stipulation—the loser must leave the business! Nixonpulls out all the tricks, going as far as to use a plunger as aweapon. "The Journalists" gain an advantage eventually when a maskedman, known only as Deep Throat, enters the ring, and are ultimatelyvictorious. After the match, Nixon dejectedly walks away, pausing fora minute to say goodbye to his friends.
George Bush and Al Gore meet in the squared circle for thechampionship title. It's a back-and-forth match. Gore gains the upperhand and hits his finishing move, the Global Warmer. But, as Gore goesfor the cover, William "the Chief" Rehnquist rushes to the ringcarrying a steel chair. With the referee distracted by Laura Bush,Rehnquist knocks Gore over the head with the chair. Bush goes for thecover and wins the belt. The show ends with an incredulous announcerscreaming, "George W. Bush is champion, but I don't know if hedeserves it!"
The fans have been told to expect a monumental announcement from worldchampion George Bush and anxiously wait. When Bush finally emergesfrom backstage, the crowd begins to loudly boo and deride him withjeers. Ignoring the commotion, Bush begins to reminisce about thesignificance of his title reign and how he brought glory and honor tothe profession. He then announces to the stunned crowd that he will behanding his title over to his sidekick, "the Doc" Bill Frist. Frist,Bush explains, will continue to seek out those whose only wish is todestroy the sport of wrestling. It is at that moment that twowrestlers appear, united, in the ring. John Edwards, supported byHillary Clinton, voices his opposition to Bush\'s plan. Bush laughs atthe duo and mockingly inquires, "What are you going to do about it?"Such a question catches the group off guard, and, while they arediscussing a potential plan, Frist superkicks Edwards. The ring clearsas Edwards struggles to his feet and attempts to get to the middle ofthe ring. As he squares off against Frist, the crowd begins to booagain, this time louder, once it becomes apparent that neitherwrestler possesses the talent to be an effective champion.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Click here to see the paperwork Oprah’s lawyers filed.
Also, if you think I’m disappointed that one of my dream candidates won’t be running you’d be wrong. I picked Oprah and Mark Cuban largely because, in addition to agreeing with many of their positions, they’ve both said they don’t like politics and wouldn’t run for president. I figure that so long as none of my wishes come true nobody can hold me accountable for being wrong.
Monday, September 18, 2006
Okay, a lot has happened since the last update. Here’s a few quick answers to commonly asked questions:
School: Is going well. Most of my classes are with adjunct professors (professors who are actually currently practicing lawyers). So far I like the adjuncts much better than professors who haven’t practiced in years. Sure, every now and then an adjunct will go on for 20 minutes telling a story about a case they’re doing/have done, and yeah, these story’s won’t be on the final exam, but they do give some tips for the practical application of the law.
UM Football: Larry Coker needs to be fired. Now. Put Randy Shannon, our defensive coordinator, in as head coach and see what he can do with the rest of the season. Shannon is one of the best assistant coaches in America and should already have a head coaching job by now, so why not see if he’s the right guy for our job. The fact that he isn’t a head coach somewhere already is pretty good evidence that racism is still a factor in college football head coach hirings (Shannon is black).
Now, since the last update I’ve found a couple great new sources of entertainment. 1st is the show Ace of Cakes on Food Network. It’s about a small bakery in Maryland that makes unbelievably huge cakes with great deatail. However, the people who run the bakery are even more entertaining than the cake themselves, which is saying something because the cake are awesome. Though, the thing about the show that really stands out to me is how much it reminds me of working at Photograph-X. So, if you ever wondered what my workdays were like just watch this show. I’ll paraphrase one of my favorite lines from the show as an example.
Duff (bakery owner): Man, it’s Wednesday night and we’ve still got 14 cakes to do by the end of Friday.
Mary Alice (receptionist extraordinaire): Well…maybe the cake fairies will come in tonight and do them.
Geoffrey (cake baker guy): Well, it’s happened before.
What’s great is that if you replace the word “cake” with “tshirt” you have an exact conversation between Mike, Beth, and myself circa 2001. Here’s the website for the show that has more info and a schedule of upcoming shows.
Lastly, on the first day of Intellectual Property class our professor told us about a great site. The site is http://www.patentlysilly.com/ and it is a catalogue of some of the stupidest, or funniest, inventions ever to be filed at the patent office. Go ahead, click the link, hours of fun await you, I mean, where else could you see a Combined Pet Leash/Umbrella?