Thursday, February 16, 2006

They’ve gone too far now, way too far.

The Islamic extremists protesting over the cartoons finally crossed my final line yesterday. They made it personal for me. They attacked something close to my heart. They attacked fast food restaurants (a Pizza Hut and a KFC). I must respond now. I’m not joining the army, unfortunately I can’t hire the A-Team, but I have assembled a team to respond to these heinous attacks on businesses that are so near and dear to me. I give to you my rouge unit of freedom fighters

Tech Support/Reconnaissance:
The Burger King Kid’s Club.

It would take too long for me to do a member by member profile, but if you were born around the same time I was you’ll remember these guys. If you don’t then just click this link to understand why they’ll be collecting the data and keeping the technology going.

Foot Soldiers:
The Chik-Fil-A cows.
In their calendars they’ve played football, extreme sports, and this year they’ve gone with a medieval theme. Certainly athletic enough, and apparently trained in medieval weaponry, they should be useful.

Grimace, the Fry Guys, Mayor McCheese, and the Hamburgler.
Each bring their own talents, but Mayor McCheese will act as a leader among the foot soldiers, and the Hamburgler is our specialist who’s willing to do the jobs of questionable legality.

Taco Bell Dog.
I have no idea how he/she will be useful, let me know if you have any ideas.

The Leadership:
Jared from Subway: Fitness and Nutrition Expert.
Actually I can’t stand this guy. He’s really not going to have any role other than to be a human sacrifice. Enjoy it extremists, it’ll be your only kill

Little Cesar: Field General.
Even though lately all he seems able to say is “Pizza Pizza” he did lead the Roman War Machine, so he’s clearly qualified to get the most out of our foot soldiers.

Dave Thomas and Connell Sanders: Strategy/Organization
I bet you guys thought they were dead, didn’t you? Well they aren’t. Connell Sanders is still kick’n around as an animation. In fact I’d say he’s even more lively in this incarnation. He over strategy and organization since he was known for firing somebody on the spot if their KFC store’s gravy didn’t meet his standards. As for his protégé Dave Thomas, check the date of his alleged “death” JANUARY 8th, 2002. That’s right, my birthday. Back in 02’ Dave’s gift to me was to fake his death so that he could come join me and the others here in fighting terrorism instead of having to run his restaurants. With these 2 around the gray will be right and the attacks precise.

The Burger King: Figurehead/Front Man.
NWA had Eazy-E, Public Enemy had Flava Flav, Van Halen had David Lee Roth and Sammy Hagar, Metallica has James Hetfield, and we have the Burger King. He colorful, new, and kinda freaky.

Ronald McDonald: President.
He is the face behind the world’s largest fast food chain. That alone is enough to qualify him for the top spot. Also he’s had great media relations throughout the decades, so keeping him in charge should ensure positive popular opinion.

The time to unleash this mighty force has finally arrived.


Miss Amy said...

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!?!?! They attacked Pizza Hut?!?! My own employer. Fuck 9/11. This is a whole new ballgame.

Who the fuck says you can't hire the A-team? Adam Amy Angelina and Anastasios.

It's on bitches. It is on.

Miss Amy said...

I am re-reading this entry and Flava Flav was in Public Enemy. Also, Ronald McDonald is more recognizable to kindergartners than Christ. At least according to Fast Food Nation.

Danny Garland Jr. said...

Yeah, good looking out Miss Amy!
I missed that myself. NWA had Easy-E, Ice Cube, and Dr. Dre.

Adam Samons said...

Thanks for noticing, the post now reflects the "NWA/Eazy-E, Public Enemy/Flava" analogy that I intended. That's the last time I reference rap after reading Constitutional law. Unless it's the Luther Campbell case.

Miss Amy said...

I like the updated version. Also, don't forget about the Grapist and the Hammurderer.